Hey, now I know for a fact that no one is reading, I can just kind of say any shit I want for my own amusement and gratification, right?

This seems as good a time as any to do some o’ that shit.

So, um, yeah. [/slick segue into post]

I seem to have a special kind of mind, I think. It has a very flexible and comprehensive filing system. Which often seems to be a curse more than a blessing.

Examples:

When I hear literally any music, I’m instantly transported to the first time I heard it, or who I was with, or who introduced me to it etc along with all the emotion of the time (which was often ‘those were the fuckin days, man!’. Although I admit a lot of that could be rose tinted spectacles and all that). Almost inevitably instantly followed by a flash forward to my emotions of today. Which is often regret or remorse for the then/now situation; quite often along the lines of ‘how did someone I spent so much time with and enjoyed being with so much or had so many feelings for end up being a stranger’?

And it aint just music, either. I have some seriously efficient taxonomy based queries going on in my head, instantly recalling all other even slightly related data ever. Listening to this song/watching this movie/enjoying this actor[delete as applicable]? Here’s every single associated event and person from your past! Disclaimer: Some or all incoming memories and feels may affect you negatively.

Basically, due to life being life, this means a lot of shit bums me the fuck out. Tracks I used to love by artists I used to love become things I don’t listen to because that reminds me deeply of someone that I don’t want to remember how that went in the end for reasons. Movies become painfully unwatchable. Whole fuckin actors become unwatchable because ‘I loved them because you loved them and now I’m sad because I loved you’ or some shit.

The more life throws at me, the more that even shit I enjoyed becomes soured with inevitable association with shit I didn’t or don’t enjoy.

Not sure if anxious, empath, depressed or demented or (e) other or (f) all of the above?

Or whether I should just accept that the older you get, the more jaded you become because mostly everything kinda sucks ass in the end?

Or if my brain function has fundamentally (d)evolved to mimic the social media algorithm of ‘oh you looked at this thing? let me show you everything in the fucking world ever even a little bit about that thing for the rest of eternity! enjoy!’. Coupled with the Facebook favourite of ‘hey, remember that thing from years ago that you were so fucking miserable about? we thought you’d like to be reminded of that right now because we care (that you give us more data)!’

And do you fucking know why I’m writing this at all? Because I was distracted from doing the soundtrack to a video I’m producing by virtue of the fact that a similarity to another track took me on a whole journey of the who and the where and the when and the now and then to the ‘why do I even fucking feel all this?’. and then to a whole other ‘I want to verbalise this in some way to no one in particular’ level  instead of doing the thing I need to do with the thing that was bumming me out because a thing 20 years ago…

Although atm I’m pretty stoned, tbh.

Answers to this and other philosophical conundrums on a postcard to : What The Actual Fuck Did I Just Read?

tl;dr… Unless you could mind swap with someone else, how would you know you’re whether you’re ‘normal’ or a total fucking raving loon? (that wasn’t really the gist of the post at all but what do you fucking care if it was too long to read and anyway it’s something to think about, right?)