I’ve got an idea for a video game that I desperately want to play.

It’d be an open world sandbox affair somewhere along the GTA V lines, but it doesn’t need to have any grand over-arching storyline or anything. Just a goal that you have to go to work every day so you can get paid … the experience of which would be faithfully and accurately reproduced.

Which is why this game would need a vast array of weapons and torture devices. Because the point, really, would be that all the NPC’s in the game would behave like every cunt you meet in the real world every day. And this being a video game, you are at liberty to do to them what you fantasise about doing to them in the real world;

That cantankerous bitch who leads her little dog to the same spot just near where you live to shit on the pavement, and then only makes any effort to look like she’s going to pick it up if she thinks anyone is watching? RPG out!

The bus driver that managed to be 28 minutes late for a half hourly service that meant I stood there like a fucking lemon when I could have had an extra half hour in bed? Screwdriver to the temple! (after he drove me to my destination, obviously)

The multiple assholes on the bus variously being noisy via shit quality headphones, loud conversations on phones or even with their bus-neighbours, which apparently needs to be so loud that everyone else on the bus is forced to endure it. Flamethrower at the ready! It’s bbq time!

That disgusting pig that seems to deliberately sit wherever I choose to sit in McD’s with my morning coffee and then continually hawk up phlegm and swallow it for the duration, all the while making sure that we all are aware that, despite all visual evidence to the contrary, someone out there clearly does want to talk to him by having the loudest and most fucking obnoxious ‘message received’ tone ever? Chainsaw to the face, fucker!

And of course, every other vehicle in the game would choose not to bother indicating at corners or roundabouts. Or have any notion of actually letting anyone cross the road. Even if they’re soaking wet while you’re in your comfortable little metal wheeled box. Fuck pedestrians, eh?  Sticky bombs away!

That shop assistant that interrupts me to answer the phone? I took the time to visit the store and someone who chooses to simply ring in gets preference? Sledge hammer time!

The fat wanker that just parked his massive 4×4 across the entire pavement on a double yellow so he can go buy his fags from that shop, forcing me – and the woman with the twins in the double pushchair – to detour into the middle of the road just to get by? Grenade!

Yup. I want a ‘people simulator’ where all the people are the obnoxious cunts they are in real life. And I, the player, can take exception to them with extreme prejudice. Please? Before you hear about me doing it for real in the news.

Anyway. That was my morning commute. How was yours?